My father is a Benedictine oblate. He teaches Christian meditation. When I was home over Christmas we had a conversation about the universal human condition of feeling like a fraud. He can’t reconcile the fact that people see him as a source of inspiration. He has the same feelings of shame that I do — that because we’ve done bad things in our lives we will never, ever be allowed to be good. That good people are good from the get-go and forever. If you really knew us, you wouldn’t want to take our advice and be our friend and admire us.

It breaks my heart to see my father, who wants nothing more than to share a sense of unity and peace with people, question his kindness. He wants more than anything to feel at ease in this world and in turn pass that on to others who are troubled. It is terrible when we carry the burden of our shameful behaviour with us everywhere and don’t allow ourselves to believe we can be and are good.

I have reconciled the differences in my father’s and my beliefs. He is a monk and I am an atheist. I know we wish the other would see the truth in our way, but we can both see that we have the same intention: to find harmony and connection. This is where our lives intersect. This is where we find each other.

On Feb 5, 2012, the day after I decided to get sober, my friend J took me to an AA meeting. This wasn’t the first AA meeting I’d been to. In 1988 I accompanied someone my country-boy ex-boyfriend used to deliver bread with to one in Montreal. In 2011 I went to one in Toronto after asking a friend who’d been sober for five years to take me. It enraged me. I didn’t want to touch anyone, and I couldn’t believe people knew the words to all the literature and repeated them with enthusiastic gusto. And then there were the slogans. Slogans? What was this, 1937? Oh wait, yes it was. AA’s basic tenets have not changed since then.

The meeting J took me to was in the Evangel Hall Mission on Adelaide. There were perhaps 10 people in the room, eight of them men. A woman wearing an early-’90s peach power-suit got up and spoke, as is the tradition in what’s called an open meeting. She told her story in such an ordinary way. She embellished nothing. She did not tell an uplifting story or one that was full of wild twists and turns.

She was a woman in her 50s who at one time had everything and was now living in a shelter. There was no question that a relationship with alcohol had brought her there. She was self-reflective without being ostentatious about it. She had a good job in finance in the days before a person needed a bunch of degrees to work in this field. Through a series of completely unremarkable incidents, she now found herself with next to nothing. At 43 and without any financial or academic security, I was cut to the quick by her story.

The next day I went to a meeting by myself in a church in the Village, and when the person chairing it asked if there was anyone new, I raised my hand and said I was Alex and that I was an alcoholic and an addict, then I just sunk into tears. I wasn’t crying because I was an alcoholic and an addict and I was ashamed of that. It was too late for that — my behaviour had preceded me for close to three decades. I was crying because I felt like a fraud. For fuck’s sake — I couldn’t even feel like I was an authentic alcoholic.

As an atheist, AA meetings and their heavy focus on God and the even more vague term “spirituality” are complicated for me, but I go to them because I need to be around other people who identify as alcoholics. As a gay person, I don’t feel I need my identity confirmed by other queers (in fact, I feel less gay being around other queers. I seem to have nothing in common with this current crop and the constant need to perform ally-ship). But boy, do I relate to other alcoholics. We drank because we felt like frauds and then we were fraud alcoholics. I am wary of the way people embrace “The Program” with all the fervour of religious acolytes, but I do recognize in their stories my own behaviour. I recognize my own desire and need to fit in at any cost, and in the end being so inept at it.

Part of recovery has been reconciling the innate disparities in my own character. As an atheist, I am struck by Fran Lebowitz’s words at her recent Toronto appearance: “I don’t believe in anything I have to believe in.” Yet in the same week I sit in the bathtub in a pitch-black room holding a smouldering bundle of sage begging the Mother of the Earth to free me from my coiling temper.

As I go through this process of reclaiming my sober brain, I think a lot about authenticity and how it is entirely possible that authenticity never feels . . . authentic. I search constantly for moments of transparency in my life, where I feel present and not pulled in all directions — worried about letting go of stuff that has possessed me. Convinced that my thoughts about my own hurt will actually have some impact on anyone other than myself.

To celebrate I’m going to do what I do every week, share exciting little tid-bits about all the wonderful queers out there, which always includes sharing in the love of many wonderful women.

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“When you can, say something.”

Off the top, I had to share this video that is making the rounds. Ash Beckham is articulate, funny (and cute) and clearly summarizes how and how not to use the expression “that’s so gay”.

In case you’re wondering I am somebody who can be properly described as “so gay”, as I fit both the happy and the homosexual categories. Yay gay!

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In like a lion, out like the Lammys.

The official Lambda Literary Award nominees have been announced, included are Canadians Rae Spoon, Alex Leslie, Lydia Perovic, S. Bear Bergman & me (Suzy Malik). Also nominated are some of my faves, Jeanette Winterson and Alison Bechdel.

Here is the full list of nominiees – congrats to each and every one of them!

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The Punk Singer.

The Punk Singer doc by Sini Anderson and Tamra Davis about the one and only Kathleen Hanna is set to debut at this year’s SXSW on March the 10th. You can read what Hanna has to say about it here.

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SXSW = QUEER

Last week I mentioned the One More Lesbian event that was happening at SXSW, but recently the Huffpo shared a whole list of gaiety planned for the festival. Wishing I could be there!

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Kiss her on the 25th.

Also, for those who are counting down the days until Kiss Her I’m Famous debuts on Tello, now we know exactly how many days we have left to count. The new series starts March 25th!

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Trent Reznor wants you to call him … maybe.

I’m going to send you off with this delightful mash up:

Wishing you a weekend of the creative and unexpected pairings of things.
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Last summer we had the pleasure of having Renée Olbert interview both Academy Award winning actor Olympia Dukakis and acclaimed director Thom Fitzgerald about their latest collaboration, the Lesbian road movie Cloudburst.

Cloudburst is opening across the country this week (check your local listing for details), so it’s a fitting time to share these great interviews with you.

Olympia Dukakis talks about her special bond with co-star Brenda Fricker, her trust in director Thom Fitzgerald, and of course dildos!

Thom Fitzgerald talks about writing the outsider, marriage and wonderful Nova Scotia.

If you didn’t get a chance to read our review of Cloudburst when it screened at the Toronto Inside Out Film Fest, you can find it here.

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Savanna.

I’ll start you off with a soundtrack provided by the 1st track from the new Cliks album:

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Butch strut.

And a glimpse of the recent Saint Harridan/Butch Lyfe runway show.

Pop on over to the Saint Harridan site to see more.

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Tomboy suit up!

Also, for those of you who like to suit-up Tomboy Tailors has just opened a store in San Fran.

“Tomboy Tailors is a fine clothier specializing in custom-made suits and shirts of the finest quality that are made-to-measure in the material, cut and fit that you want.”

Nice, I know where I’m heading to on my next trip to The Bay Area!

Photo credit Steven Kasapi

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Canadian Screen Awards.

The Canadian Screen Awards are happening right now in the form of a series of galas over several nights, here are a few highlights of things so far.

Hello doctor!

Photo: Canadian Screen Awards

My Toronto film boyfriend Don McKellar, Sook Yin Lee and a giant fur hat.

Photo: Canadian Screen Awards

A little Degrassi moment.

Photo: Canadian Screen Awards

Some Jill Hennessy – ’cause I know so many of you love her.

Photo: Canadian Screen Awards

And finally, those of you missing the women of Sex In The City, lets pause for a moment to congratulate Kim Cattrall on her Screen Award for Outstanding Artistic Artistic Contribution to Film & Television!

Photo: Canadian Screen Awards

For more pics pop on over to the Screen Awards’ Facebook Page.

The main Gala is set to broadcast on the CBC this Sunday, will you tune in?

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Olympia Dukakis!

Yes, Thom Fitzgerald’s film Cloudburst starring Olympia Dukakis is finally set for theatrical release across the country starting this weekend. Check out our review of the film here. And stay tuned for some very special interviews to roll out on our youtube channel this week.

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SXSW likes the ladies.

For those of you heading to SXSW this year, be sure to check out the OUTLanders / One More Lesbian event.

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SOA’s Tara spoliers.

And before I wrap, here is some Tara (Sons of Anarchy) news that After Ellen just broke. Sure, I’m not 100% confident this will be the lesbian love story to beat all lesbian love stories, but I’ll take it. That’s right, Tara is set for a little lady lovin’ in the slammer.

Is anybody else thinking about that Helena and Dusty L-word prison scene, or is that just me?

(*you have to be signed in to Youtube to watch this one.)

That is all for now … to the weekend!

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Kiss Her I’m Famous trailer!

This week I have the Rolla Selbak / Tello Film’s Kiss Her I’m Famous trailer to share:

I know there are already lots of Tracy Ryerson fans out of there thanks to her time on the Real L Word, but I suspect Ilea Matthews is about to build her lesbian fan base real quick.

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Is Pocahontas OK?

The Okay List has released episode 3, which features Pocahontas on the receiving end of (not so) winning lines like “I love ancestors”.

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Easy Abby take 3.

Speaking of episode 3, have you seen the latest Easy Abby? I enjoy the use of “rigorous” in the episode description:

“After a rigorous one night stand, Abby can’t get her high-energy guest lover to leave the apartment. Meanwhile, best pal Sara assumes her girlfriend is cheating on her so she decides to hide out at Abby’s for awhile.”

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Indie Soap Awards 2013.

Indie Soap Awards gave out a few much deserved accolades to our homegrown series Out With Dad. OWD took the biggie, Best Drama Webseries, and firecracker Caitlynne Medrek won Best Breakout Performance. A big whoo hoo to cast and crew yet again!

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Juno nods.

The Juno nominations have been announced and I’m super excited to hear that k.d. lang is going to be inducted into the Canadian Music Hall of Fame. Other highlights include nominations for Serena Ryder and Annabelle Chvostek – congrats!

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Fey on style.

In Tina Fey withdrawal? I share with you this snippet from a recent Time interview:

Even the Upper West Side Mom ensemble she’s wearing today came from 30 Rock‘s wardrobe. “I don’t actually know what I like to wear in real life,” she admits. “It’s going to be a period of terribly awkward experimentation. Like middle school all over again. Perhaps I’m a person who wears a blouse with an ascot? Dark green nails? I think it’s going to be a series of caftans.”

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Rae of light.

Montrealers – Rae Spoon will be taking to the DJ booth as well as the stage as they perform tonight (Friday Feb 22) at “Faggity Ass Friday” at the Royal Phoenix in Montreal.

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Sublimation.

It’s been making the rounds, but if you haven’t seen this video yet, take a couple of minutes to take in this moving piece on bullying.

May we only share kind words this weekend. Happy Friday!
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There is a volunteer information session this Saturday February the 23rd at the 519 (on Church St.). It’s a drop in from 1:00 – 3:00pm in room 303. You can ask questions, and mingle among the cute activist queers that are sure to pop in.

So that you have a better idea of what the Dyke March Team leaders are looking for, here is their official call for volunteers:

Toronto Dyke March.

The Toronto Dyke March is ramping up for 2013 and we need your help!

We are seeking a diversity of lesbian, bi and queer women as well as dyke-identified trans and 2-Spirit people who would like to help organize this year’s Dyke March and affiliated events, including parties, panels, political actions, and community art projects.

We need both experienced members and those seeking to develop new skills. We need help with event coordination, fundraising and budgeting, graphic and web design, social media, marketing, blogging, community outreach, volunteer coordination, and political action.

Join the team! Deadline: February 27, 2013

To apply, send us brief explanations of:

1) why you would like to be involved
2) your qualities and experience
3) the skills you would like to develop and your overall areas of interest.

Feel free to submit your answers by filling out this form: Dyke March 2013 Application

Applicants may include a resume (optional). You are encouraged to self identity. Queer people of colour, Indigenous dykes and 2-Spirit people, and trans folks strongly encouraged to apply.

Volunteer Info Session:
Saturday, February 23, 2013
1:00-3:00pm – drop-in
The 519 – room 303

Email: dykemarchto@gmail.com
Facebook: DykeMarch Toronto
Twitter: @dykemarchTO

Dunn’s crotch is thrust out at a graceful, raunchy angle, inviting the women and girls in front of it to take in its sacred power. Another thing worth noting, aside from the outrageously gifted and beautiful group of women onstage with Dunn (including her wife, Katie Ritchie, formerly of The Organ) is the fact that there are very few camera phones stuck up in the air capturing this moment. Nobody wants to miss this display. Everyone wants to be part of the energy that is happening right now.

Photo: Paul Dymond

Later in the washroom I hear, “I was like, ready to give up on girls altogether, and then I saw Vanessa and I was like, okay, fine.” We need our erotic heroines. And if she happens to be the shit-kicking daughter of an esthetician from Scarborough, so be it. Mary Magdalene was an esthetician, too, despite those other rumours. Let’s go with that as our Vanessa Dunn creation myth.

Dunn’s relationship with rock was foisted on her in what is a classic tale of the ‘burbs. “I have two older brothers, one 10 years and one 13 years older than me,” she says. “This meant that I had zero time on the record player and stereo growing up. I was generally at the mercy of my brothers’ taste, and thankfully, I liked it all. Lots of Van Halen, Zeppelin, Sabbath. I think the first album that I brought home that my brothers then borrowed from me was Hole’s Live Through This. After that, there was a lot of asking about what I was listening to.”

Dunn has a love of “idols, anthems, force and fierceness,” all of which inform her electric stage presence. Vag was born, she says, out of “the politics of being a woman, of being a feminist, of being queer.” Her confrontational, sexualized guise is reminiscent of Austrian artist Valie Export’s early performance work, particularly the Aktionshose: Genitalpanik series.

In 1968, Export went around an art cinema in Munich in handmade crotchless pants, exposing her genitals to patrons. “The action that gave rise to the photograph Action Pants: Genital Panic has become the subject of apocryphal art historical legend,” writes Elizabeth Manchester for the Tate. “Wearing trousers from which a triangle had been removed at the crotch, the artist walked between the rows of seated viewers, her exposed genitalia at face-level. This confrontation challenged the perceived cliché of women’s historical representation in the cinema as passive objects denied agency.”

With Vag’s swaggering cock-rock covers, Dunn is asking us to consider another passive role that has been levied on women. When all-female cover bands wrest this genre out of the hands of men, either as audience or performer, what I often see is women being shameless in their vanity — and I think this is important, women feeling free to be sexually audacious. I am hesitant to use the word reclaim, but the fact is we are reclaiming something. The guttural sounds, the thrashing hair, legs-open stance: really, who started this shit? I mean, isn’t Robert Plant just doing an impression of a woman in the throes of an orgasm? Men who embody these traits are glorified. Women, when mining the depths of their own erotic egos, are often set upon with sneering envy or contempt.

Apparently when male rockers name their bands, they build in the possibility that women will cover their music. A small Google search provided this cunning list of all-female tribute bands: Lez Zeppelin, Misstallica, The Iron Maidens, Judith Priest (female fronted), Slaywhore, AC/Dshe (there’s two of them), Whole Lot of Rosies, Holy Divah and, of course, Vag Halen. Of all these clever repurposings, this last is my favourite. Vag — really, what an awesome word. An onomatopoeia if there ever was one.

“I knew of some of these bands beforehand but certainly not all,” Dunn says. “Since Vag started, people have made a point to reference some of these bands, and damn, the names themselves get me excited. Vag really came from within, though. It’s an amalgamation of Katie and my respective talents. Hers being musicianship and mine being performance. For me, Vag is about spectacle. Growing up I was attracted to showmanship as much as I was music. I think there is great power in a great performance.”

Vag works hard to bring it. “As a band, we rehearse quite a bit leading up to the performance. The day of the show is all about keeping a clear head and conserving energy,” Dunn says. “Vag gives a high-energy show, and that takes some focus. Nothing that I do onstage is rehearsed. I really just do as I feel. I think we all react off the energy of the crowd.” With Vag’s current audience being primarily female, this exchange is guaranteed to be invigorating for everyone. We’re givers, we are.

I’ve long noticed that women who love rock and roll come to it young and love it forever. But for a queer woman, being a rock fan can often be a dirty secret. By and large, rock and roll is misogynistic and exclusionary. Still, there is an urgent and filthy vitality to it that makes people want to fuck its purveyors, no matter what’s on the set list. It cuts to the chase. Or more appropriately, in the case of Vag and other all-female rock bands, chases to the cut.

To me, seeing women like Dunn onstage making rock feels just right; there is nothing novel about a half-naked woman screaming her face off, surrounded by a bunch of other women spurring her on. It’s how we all come into the world.

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Vag Halen will be kicking-off the Rhubarb Festival in Toronto Feb 20th.

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Alright, so this week brought us the latest episode of LESlieVille:

LESlieVILLE Series Ep 2 – "Getting to Know You" by llvseries

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Free Venice Episodes.

Crystal Chappell and Jessica Leccia fans (and I know there are LOTS of you), should know that the whole season 3 of Venice is now up on Youtube for free.

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Bo and Lauren for the win.

This week Bo and Lauren made it to the last round of E online’s favroutie couple contest. And then they won the whole thing! Pretty cool that a lady-loving couple won this contest, also cool that the last round was doubly queer (with Glee’s Brittany and Santana as runners up).

Those of you that are looking for a teaser to get you ready for Sunday’s episode, here ya go:

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Face 2 Face in May.

In case you hadn’t heard, Wolfe is set to release Katherine Brooks‘ (Loving Annabelle) latest film Face 2 Face on May 14th. Exciting news for Brooks fans.

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Ginger and Rosa.

Oh and Sally Porter’s (Orlando) new film Ginger and Rosa opens March 29th …

“As the Cold War meets the sexual revolution in 1960s London, the lifelong friendship of two teenage girls (Elle Fanning, Alice Englert) is shattered by ideological differences and personal betrayals.”

I should likely mention that it also stars Annette Bening and Christina Hendricks (*swoon*).

Are you in? And for those of you who are Porter fans, she’ll be talking at the TIFF Lightbox on March 10th.

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Herteronormative lesbians.

Right wing FOX news accidentally used a picture of a Lesbian couple to demonstrate pro-heteronormative marriage story. Love this.

In case you’re wondering, the gothamist.com reported that, “The photo has since been changed on the website to a much more benign picture of a man and woman…”

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What are you doing on Feb 21st at 10pm?

For those of you in Toronto, our very own Alex Tigchelaar has curated a multi-media production called “Dirty Plotz” as part of this year’s Rhubarb! Festival at Buddies in Bad Times. “Dirty Plotz” will feature some amazing women including Jess Dobkin and Zoe Whittall, there will be an installation by Allyson Mitchell and a film by Alex and Michelle Mama.

With that kind of talent all in one room, it’s sure to be a night not to miss.
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2nd chance for Smith.

Finally those who were down because they didn’t nab Patti Smith tickets, she’s added a gig at the Queen Elizabeth Theatre following her two AGO shows. Tickets go on sale this Monday (Feb 18) – a second chance is always nice don’t you think?

Have a great weekend everybody!

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Our sex life is often the first thing to go when stress builds up. Think of it like a well – when we need to use up that water for all of our emergency situations (all that stress), the levels get low and our desires run dry. So, how can our fundamental passion runneth-over once more so that we can have naughty, orgasmic, unexpectedly satisfying sex with our sweethearts?

Lets start by saying that everyone is individual, and the best prescription is always made with the individual in mind. If you are seriously concerned about the state of your sex life, I highly recommend asking your Doctor for a full hormone panel – including testosterone and estrogen levels, this is important for both men and women. Women need a certain amount of testosterone too, and men often have either low levels, or excess estrogen from conversion of testosterone to estrogen. Both of these imbalances are easily corrected, which can make a huge difference in libido.

However, since I’m offering advice via this column, lets talk in generalities. Generally, improving the libido starts with building up your energy reserves and balancing hormones. The adrenal glands are the part of your hormone system that produce adrenaline and cortisol and react to stress levels, they also produce small amounts of testosterone. There are many herbs that act as adrenal and hormone tonics, I’ll list and explain a few.

Ashwagandha means “the smell of a horse” in Sanskrit, partially because the fresh root is said to smell like horses urine, but also because it is renowned for imparting the sexual stamina of a horse. Ashwagandha’s chemical constituents called “withanaloids” resemble steroid hormones biochemically. This botanical medicine is used to enhance libido, tonify adrenals, and restore fertility.

Ginsengs provide Ginsenoside compounds that also balance hormones and support strong sexual function through tonifying activity. There are several kinds of ginseng available, the most common being American Ginsengs (Panax Quinquefolium) and Asian Ginseng (Panax Ginseng.) These herbs also increase nitrous oxide levels, improving blood flow and therefore supporting erectile tissue for all genders.

Muria Puma is a libido support that acts as a nervous system tonic. This is excellent for diminished sexual desire, improving sexual “weakness” and circulation.

Ginger and Cinnamon produce heat in the body and increase circulation to the pelvic region. While these are not direct libido enhancers, they are known to increase sexual sensation and improve sexual response.

It is important to remember that some issues with sex drive are mental rather than physical. When this is the case, flower essences are very gentle and safe natural medicines that can lightly shift emotional states. The Bach Flower Essences have been used for decades and are easy to self prescribe. Bach’s Crab Apple is also a wonderful remedy for people who have a hard time accepting their physical body or for germ phobia’s. While Olive remedies compete exhaustion, restoring vitality, strength and interest at a mental level. For those people having orgasm difficulties Larch is delightful, as it leads one away from the paradigm of success/failure and supports self-confidence. These and many more flower essences are available at most health food stores and “witchy” bookstores, complete with self help guides.

When working with sexual response, it is also key to be mindful that all senses, not just touch become activated. Scent is a powerful initiator of physical response, Jasmine and Rose are transcendent olfactory aphrodisiacs for all genders. We are also a visually oriented culture, so adorn yourself as you see your own inner sex god or goddess. When wooing your sweetheart (or yourself) wake all your senses; make sure to use colors, smells, tastes, and sounds that you find appealing and exciting to increase erotic potential.

Finally, I recall a study that said women are more likely to experience arousal when their feet are warm! So turn up the heat, take your remedies, light some scented candles, and pull out your fancy-pants, its gonna be a hot time in the old town tonight!

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Masina Wright is a licensed Naturopathic Doctor and Homeopathic Master Clinician. Trained to understand the intricacies of modern health, she is sophisticated and yet intuitive in her approach, cutting edge and yet traditional. With a special interest in hormonal wellness and stress management, Masina is skilled in the art and science of health care.

thewrightdoctor.com

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If you’re looking for some fun digital cards to say sweet things to your sweetheart, we have a few gems for you.

The wonderful Sissy Dude has a few more quirky and beautiful collage cards this year, and he made sure to send a lady-loving card our way.

Here are a few picks from this year’s batch:

And if a Rhoda card would suit your needs better:

There are also lots of other fun cards out there, I’ll leave you with one of the Wes Anderson inspired cards that Flavorwire has up, but if you find other good ones, be sure to share!

Happy V-day everybody!